coffee; 12.
fruit & nut granola bar; 150.
salad: 75.
rice & mixed vegetables; 160.
mixed nuts in toffee; 400?
a small potato & sour cream; 120.
rice cakes & unsweetened applesauce: 135.
yogurt; 60.
total: 1092.

a total of just under 1200.
ate a bowl of ice cream
purged it.
goodnight, staystrong.
page.

5:00pm-12:00am
chicken breast 200?
ketchup 100.
salad 150.
mixed veggies & corn 110.
cereal 110.
sweet potato rice crispy 62.
jello 20.
coffee 40.
oatmeal & applesauce 200.
chamomile tea with milk 40.
cinnamon toast 100.
total 1132.

five or six bowls of cereal
a cup of peanut butter
multiple bagels with all the trimmings
& about fifty other things in obscene quantities.
couldn't purge.
i think it about killed me.
don't over eat girls,
you gain three pounds in a day.

food is freaking me out.
i purged a lot yesterday, then ate a cucumber, which for some reason i purged too. oh bother.

solution: don't eat anything solid.
new diet: instant coffee, coke/poweraid zero, & tea.

staystrong ladies!
page.

i had a successful fasting day yesterday, until i binged & purged.

then the same cycle when i tried again today.

i'm such a horrible failure & i'm so sorry to anyone who was fasting with me whom i've let down.

i will try again. i will do better. i will be beautiful.

staystrong, page.

ps, for anyone who was successful, congrads for being spectacular.
& anyone else who wasn't, practice makes perfection.

fasting today away.

anyone like to join?

thank you to Thin_Envy for her support last time.

staystrong ladies.

Today's Diet

less than fifty calories in liquid & gum.

maybe that will make up for some of my recent damage?

it's three am, 

so far - 7 calories in a cup of coffee i had an hour ago.

wish me luck?

keep your tea close, staystrong ladies.

 

attempt on healthy;

 thursdays dinner

rice pilaf with steamed broccoli & chicken slovakia. 

fridays dinner

 lemon poppy-seed salad and veggies with leftover rice.

yum?

SO WHY CAN'T I STOP BINGING MY FUCKING ASS OFF.

i need to stop binging & purging.
i also need to stop gaining weight,
i'm becoming HUGE.
i'm working on a new diet plan, hope to post it soon!


staystrong lovelies,
page.

happy vegan day!
in honour of it, this is my new vegan month.
+ great thing about me being vegan, it that my binge/purge cycle always involves cereal & milk, & rarely involves veggies. so i don't see any purging in my near future!
downside: i've been craving eggs for awhile, guess i'll have to hold off on that for awhile.
upside: i had a great excuse for rejecting cookies & chocolate milk this morning.
i'll be posting recipes soon & when i get my phone figured out i'll start putting more pictures!


[vegan day one.]

10:30am sesame bread sticks; 30.

6:00pm pumpkin seeds; 50.

8:00pm veggie-wrap; 240.
apple with cinnamon; 80.
8:50pm tortilla chips with avocado; 199.
9:00pm rice cakes with applesause; 160.

11:00pm oatmeal with applesause; 150.

total: 909.
hey guess what? no purging. -smile-

extra: 2 decongestants, 2 advil+caffine, 1 multi-vitamin, 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin, 2 sleep-aids.

happy turkey day!

so this weekend involved:
a bithday party (cake&pizza), two family dinners (potatoes&turkey&salad), dessert (pie,pie,pie&icecream), meals that i don't have (breakfast&lunch).
& a tone more!
most of which was purged.
i'm really trying, but uhm  ...
let's just say the back of my right hand is covered with scratches that won't heal.
so apparently i can't stop. i have no self control.
but i'm trying.

today i will not purge.  today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. 

10:30am egg whites with pepper & ketchup; 106.
strawberries; 30.

6:30pm cucumber with light ceasar dressing; 25.

10:30pm pickles; 8.
green beans; 45.
11:00pm stale mixed nuts; 120.

throughout the evening-morning:
hot chocolate hazelnut coffee with unsweetened chocolate almond milk; 40.

total: 374.
amazing what anger can do for the appetite.

sleep? not tonight if i can help it. just gotta say, last two posts were on no-sleep. i'm seeing a pattern. unfortunately it seems i only don't B/P on nights where i'm up.

not being able to take pictures of my food is really driving me mad;
so here's some thinspo instead.

so uhm - first things first.
i didn't sleep.
i was writing this politics paper .. & time kinda got away from me?
my alarm clock went off & i was still up on the computer writing .. so i've been up for ..
38.5 hours - WIDE AWAKE.
i'm still working on that politics paper, so when i get to around 41 consecutive hours awake i'll hopefully be in bed.
got to say, when i stay wide awake for over day, you get this rush, like fasting. though some people tend to have the negative side effect of binging, i think i'm stronger like this. mind you, i so cannot concentrate on anything for more than thirty seconds.
ANYWAYS - ON TO THE FOOD.

7:50am hot chocolate hazelnut coffee; 25.

11:50am broccoli & carrots; 35.

3:45pm hot chocolate; 40.
blueberries; 17.

5:50pm spinach salad; 50.
mashed potatoes & mixed veggies; 250.

7:00pm rice cakes & applesauce; 260.
hot chocolate hazelnut coffee; 25.

8:30pm light cranberry-pomegranate juice; 7.

snacks; 120.

total: 829.
& FULL.

10:00am white toast with margarine & jam; 215.

11:00am apple; 50.
11:20am honeycomb cereal with milk;160.

12:30pm peas with light ricotta & garlic; 130.

3:30-9:00pm hot chocolate & chai tea; 220.

7:30pm veggie burger with light mayonnaise & ketchup; 290.
spinach salad; 50.
8:00pm garlic bread; 120.

11:00pm pb&j wrap w/honey; 250.
so fucking hard not to purge that.
i wish so much that i never ate it.

total: 1435.
uhg.
as gross as that is, it's a quarter of what i was eating before,
even if i wasn't keeping any of that in,
my stomach is still way stretched out.
i feel sick all the time.

woke up 2:00pm.

2:20pm white toast with margarine & jam; 215.
first time i've had bread without purging in forever, let alone white bread.
2:40pm steamed broccoli; 30.

3:30pm hot chocolate & coffee; 135.

7:20pm thin-crust spinach pizza; 315.
7:50pm unsweetened applesauce with cinnamon & flax; 120.

total: 815.

extra: 6 benadrly day cold, 2 cold-assist, 1 multi-vitamin, 1 anti-stress B+C vitamin.

down there? the post yesterday, the happy one?
FUCKING LIES.

i binged my ass off that night.

sandwiches, bowls of cereal, chips, food food food food food.

purged.

oh yeah, & i did that again today.
way-to-go page.

staystrong ladies.

FUCK YEAH - NO PURGING.
i still feel like maybe i should've.

12:00 light cranberry juice; 40.

2:00pm rice cake with light rasberry cream cheese; 50.
2:30pm oatmeal with applesause; 170.
2:40pm cinnamon-splenda toast; 140.

4:00pm strawberries; 20.

6:30pm ceasar salad; 23.
fish, french fries & ketchup; 420.
7:00pm rice cakes with light rasberry cream cheese & cinnamon; 135.

total: 998.

i guess that's still a lot, but compared to the 4000-5000's of calories i've been eating a day lately, i might actually have a chance at saving some money. ;)
being mia is expensive.

for the first time in FOREVER i
DIDN'T BINGE,
DIDN'T PURGE!
& i didn't eat until i had to at dinner too;
not too shabby eh.

i will start posting on here again;

but with my being away from my safe-haven of nutrition lables & all the purging,

it really is quite impossible.

still awake.

BINGE:
5:20am toast with jam & butter; 145.
blueberry muffin; 220.
special K with chocolate sauce & milk; 290.
peanut butter; 450.
PURGED.

sleep from 10:30am-2:20pm.
weight at 3:00pm; 102ish lbs.

3:10pm box of raisins; 30.

BINGE:
4:00pm oatmeal with apple; 180.
oatmeal with chocolate chips & milk; 575.
PURGED.

5:00pm toast with light strawberry cream cheese; 210.
chicken broth; 15.

6:30pm mini cucumbers & dip; 170.

1.5h walk. 20min buns&thighs workout. 20min abs workout.

BINGE:
9:20pm pb&j sandwiches; 980.
chocolate milk; 520.
peanut butter; 450.
PURGED.

102lbs when i woke up .. at 4:30pm.
goodjob with the sleeping pills page.

5:00pm mixed veggies; 140.
fish & ketchup; 220.

6:00pm three muffins & butter; 760.
PURGED.

9:00pm carrots, cucumber & dip; 120.

shaky - had to eat something.
1:00am soy milk & chocolate sauce; 65.
peas & corn; 130.


extra: 1 reactin. & a bunch of other vitamins.

was 105 lbs last night, 102.5 this morning.

4:10pm salad with light poppy seed dressing; 70.
mixed veggies; 120.
fish & ketchup; 400.
sweet potato fries & plum sauce; 280.

6:00pm light hot chocolate: 40.

8:50pm yogurt & raspberry sauce; 85.

total: 995.
with no purging!
extra: 1 paxil. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 2 multi-vitamins. 1 sudafed. 2 cold-assist.

11:30pm a lot of chocolate milk & a couple pb&j sandwiches.
PURGED.

time to sleep: 2 benedryl. 2 sleep-aids. 1 sudafed.
goodnight.

12:40pm three bowls of cereal & milk; 510.
peanut butter & jelly sandwich; 480.
light hot chocolate; 40.
PURGE.

6:00pm oatmeal; 130.
an apple; 80.

9:00pm carrots & light ceasar dressing; 105.

extra: a bunch of pills to be good & to go to sleep.
goodnight.

PURGED & PURGED & PURGED & PURGRD & PURGED.

it hurts.
my ears won't pop; haven't for months.
i'm never fufilled.
i want out of mia.

fasting tomorrow.
wish me luck?

11:30am white rice & light catalina dressing; 225.
light hot choclate with hazelnut coffee; 30.

7:20pm sugar-free rasberry jello; 24.
7:40pm perogies & peas with cheeses; 275.
cesar salad; 45.
8:10pm crispy minis sour cream & onion rice chips; 110.
special K with chocolate milk; 115
light hot chocolate; 45
Purged a bit.

9:20pm applesause with flax seed & cinnamon; 360.
Purged a bit.


extra: 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 2 multi-vitamins. 3 cold-assist. 4 sudafed. 2 tetracycline.

so then i ate a bounty bar,
& hot chocolate.
a half a jumbo box of special K drenched in chocolate syrup & 2% milk.
PURGEPURGEPURGEPURGEPURGE.

therefore i take a long bath & decide i deserve nothing but water if that for the next thirty-six hours.

only when i get out i eat
two pb&j sandwiches heavy on the peanut butter,
along-side two mugs of hot chocolate so i can
PURGEPURGEPURGE.

so i'm a failure.

so i ended my fast early,
horrible stomach ache & had to eat something.
makes sense i guess when this & a few advil+caffeine was my breakfast.
(stupid red pill demands to be taken with food, hence the two crackers. apparently that's not enough.)



after my dinner, i gave into a huge BINGE - PURGE & it all went to hell.
so my apologies, empty is strong, but i'm not.

i would try for the second half of this fast, but i might be spending the day with lucy tomorrow.
ok, no food until then, zero calorie drinks only, more exercise & no snacking tomorrow!

night.

ate at
11:30pm (yesterday) - 12:30am (today)
ginger cookies & soy milk; 298.
carrots & dip; 60.

fast with athanasy.
her's is 48h, i'm trying for 24h, possibly 36h.
i'm eating tea, water, coke zero & gum.
starting at 1:00am.

staystrong,
page.

< ok, so i broke that rule on the first day ..
* edited.

11:30am french toast; 158.
blueberries; 70.

1:30pm smartfood popcorn; 435.
tried to PURGE a bit ..

4:30pm a bit of some awful casserole; 150.
tuna & peas; 142.
fish sticks & ketchup; 200.
5:00pm ice cream sunday; 530.
PURGED.

BINGE.
7:oopm margarine soaked blueberry bagels; 550.
PURGE.

extra: 1 B+C anti-stress. 1 vitamin E. 1 reactin. 1 cold-assist.


< size="2">" i can't eat that. "
" why not? "
" .. the yams are touching the cheese & it's got thyme in it. "
" thyme is like sage. "
" i don't like sage. thing's are still touching .. "
" it'll taste like stuffing! "
" i hate stuffing. "
" oh .. right. "

11:30am yogurt; 35.
croissant & light strawberry cream cheese; 145.
blueberries 30.

3:45pm low-fat frozen yogurt kiddie cone; 320?
4:20pm margarine soaked blueberry bagels; 510.
tried to PURGE but didn't work ..

total: 1040.

extra: 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 1 vitamin E. 1 reactin. 1 cold-assist. 2 cold medicine.

* edited

2:00pm low calorie french toast; 200.
blueberries; 30.

7:00pm peas & tuna; 278.
croissants & light strawberry cream cheese; 267.
croissant & hot dog with cheese & ketchup (ew); 161.
more peas & tuna; 128.

total: 1064.

10:00pm blueberry bagels with margarine; 580.
PURGED.
11:00pm ice cream & chocolate sause; 630.
PURGED.

[total: 2274?]

9:00pm-10:45pm carnival snacking
swedish berries; 210.
cashews; 400.
root beer; 52.
kettle corn; 120.
11:00pm PURGED.

total: 782.
fucking cashews; never eating them again.

extra: 1 benadryl & 2 sleep-aids (to sleep the day away).

happy canada day.

* edited.

1:30pm slushie from convenience store; 320.

mother made dinner & she knew i haddn't eaten.
9:30pm peas(60), pasta(80), chicken(100), cheese(40), ketchup(25); 325.
ginger cookies(140) & soy milk(30); 170
bounty chocolate bar; 270.

total: 1085.

binged; 350.

total: 1435.

* edited

3:00am two coconut-lime cookies; 93
dark chocolate herseys kiss; 20

11:30am special K, mulitgrain cheerios & soy milk with cinnamon; 260.

6:00pm spinach & calorie wise creamy poppy seed dressing; 45.
grilled chicken(130) sandwich with cheese(150), light margarine, light mayonnaise(135) & whole wheat bread(180); 620.
PURGED.
light hot chocolate; 30.
PURGED.

8:00pm light strawberry cream cheese in crescent rolls; 200.

total: 1268.

10:30pm special K, mulitgrain cheerios & soy milk with cinnamon; 300.
light strawberry cream cheese in crescent rolls; 140.
PURGEPURGEPURGEPURGE.

total: 1708.

extra: 1 advil+caffeine. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 1 vitamin E. 2 tetracycline.

salad in my new bowl & crescents in my new heart baking cups.

*edited

was fasting, but mother came home early & i had to eat dinner.

6:30pm caesar salad; 20.
grilled chicken breast & ketchup; 90.
peas & corn; 80.
sweet potato fries & plum sauce; 200.

total: 390.

9:00pm peas & corn; 80.
peas & cheese; 100
fruit bars; 360.
PURGED.

total: 930.
(fuck.)

extra: 2 tetracycline. 2 advil+caffeine. 1 benadryl (out like a light). 1 vitamin E. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin.

* edited.

11:30am special K, mulitgrain cheerios & soy milk with cinnamon; 260.
purge a bit.

2:45pm mcdonalds junior chicken sandwich ketchup only; 300.
two extra large coke zeros.

7:00pm snacks (asian cracker things, icecream drumstick, rice crispy, golden oreo sippers); 450.
9:00pm spinach & calorie wise creamy poppy seed dressing; 65.
orange juice; 30.
cookies; 95.

total: 1200.

11:45pm special K, mulitgrain cheerios & soy milk with cinnamon; 260.

total: 1460.

extra: 1 Paxil. 1 anti-stress vitamin.

2:00-5:00pm one medium pizza; 1640.

four nestea zeros & four glasses of water.

half a bag of chips; 400.

purge a bit.

7:45pm juice; 450.

8:15pm PurgePurgePurgePurgePurge.

total: 2490.

extra: 1 advil+caffeine. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin.
walk for an hour, longboard for three. running around all day. half an hour of exercise in evening.

one of those pizzas;

1:00pm cheerios & cinnamon; 77.
two cans of nestea zero.

6:00pm hot dog with ketchup & relish; 250(?).
7:30pm movie popcorn; 375.
large coke zero.
Purged as much as one can in a movie theater washroom.
bounty chocolate bar; 338.

11:00pm multigrain cheerios with cinnamon & soy milk; 180.
unsweetened applesauce with flax & cinnamon; 110.
pb&j sandwich; 400.
peanut butter with splenda & cinnamon; 340.
light hot chocolate; 45.
Purged.

total: 2115.
crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.

extra: 1 tetracycline. 1 Paxil. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 2 advil+caffeine. 

*however i would like to note that i did almost pass out (again) at noon. dam am i ever iron deficient. i need a new supplement for that. but in the mean time food makes me stand a little straighter.
but Paxil - makes me a little loopy, a little off, & a whole lot of itchy & twitchy. only to used in emergency's of depression.
-excusesexcusesexcuses.-

2:00pm chicken broth; 15.
crackers & hummus; 95.
3:30pm unsweetened applesauce with flax & cinnamon; 90.
4:20pm half a piece of toast & light strawberry cream cheese; 85.
5:20pm bowl of carrots with splenda & calorie wise catalina dressing; 95.
6:00pm a mug of light hot chocolate; 55.
7:00pm half of a pb&j sandwich; 165.
8:00pm two pieces of peperonie pizza; 440.
8:50pm dark chocolate & an apple; 260.

total: 1330.

extra: 2 tetracycline. 2 advil+caffeine. 1 vitamin E. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 2 3 sleep aids.

got depressed & disappeared.

i'll try to not let that happen again.

breakfast for like the first time in a year.
7:45am medium carrot muffin; 195.
orange juice; 30.

lunch a friend gave me.
12:00pm onguri? (rice & stuff in asian form); 170(?)

tea at greens.
4:00pm chai; 70.
 his mom fed me.
6:30 tiny piece of spinach pizza; 160(?)
bite of carrot cake; 60(?)
pink lemonaid; 30(?)

when i got home.
10:15pm peas with pasta; 300.
orange juice; 40.
binged.
10:40pm three chocolate chip muffins with extra chocolate chips & butter; 700.
granola bar, with extra chocolate; 150.
milk; 50.
apple & melted chocolate; 150.
hot chocolate; 45.
(i think i might have a problem with chocolate.)
PURGED.

12:00pm filipino sugar snacks; 100(?).

5:15pm monster salad; 100.
corn; 80(?).
small chocolate chip muffin; 210.

6:00pm multigrain cheerios & 2% milk; 320.
total 810.

7:15pm blueberry smoothy; 110.
7:30pm hot chocolate; 45.
total 965.

8:30pm hot chocolate; 45.

9:30pm hot chocolate; 45

total 1055.

high for my liking, but it's the first day i haven't purged in awhile.
-little victory dance.-

first day of a new month.

i better not fuck this one up.

page's diet plan for the last month;
1. eat three times as much as everyone around you.
2. throw half of that up.
3a. sprinkle on some depression.
3b. eat some more.

i've got a couple weeks of everything i've eaten written down, & i was hoping to post it all up; but honestly, it's so pointless.
i'll try & be good to post here every day. (or post a couple days at a time every few days.)
starting tomorrow! (which i'll post wednesday..)
staystrong, & happy victoria day!
page.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES MAJOR FAILURE.

so, this was an awful day.
literally & food intake wise.

sound & lighting meeting led to
12:00pm pizza (2veg & 2pep); 940.

felt full & gross -
was about to purge in the school washroom (1:15pm) but someone walked in. fuck.

played 3 shifts in a frisbee game.

3:10pm raisins; 70.
raspberry bars; 100.

25 leg lifts each side.

5:00pm spinach & cheese ravioli with more cheese; 375.
5:30pm horrible crappy cheap macaroni & cheese; 180.

decided i could binge as long as i purged, because this day was already fucked.
6:30pm coconut cream pie; 180.
one & a half english muffins(240) topped with 7.5 tbsp peanut butter (675)& splenda (which i made & ate in less than 2 minutes); 915
purged as best i could. i'm a little afraid i didn't get it all.
7:00pm oatmeal; 130.


total 2710.

what today would've been like without the binge 1485. which in the very least would've not made me gain, which i'm sure today will.

` edit,
so then there was almost a cup of orange juice(70) some yogurt(35) a couple granola bars(300?) and a hot chocolate(40).
none of it purged.
which brings me to 3155.

11:40am steamed carrots with poppy seed dressing; 70.

frisbee practice, then i
walked around a mall for 4 hours.

7:00pm starbucks chai frappachino; 350.
half a bag of smartfood (cheddar popcorn); 250.

10:00pm two pieces of coconut cream pie; 340.
purged all pie.
& fyi, i usually don't taste anything, but the pie, tastes the same in reverse ..

12:00am oatmeal; 115.

total 1125.

there's been a few hectic days of binging, & a few of purging, but i'm back on track.

today;

11:00am spinach ravioli(230) with ricotta(270); 300.
12:00pm one cup carrots; 35.
12:45pm cheerios(110), banana(30) & soy milk(30); 170.

3:20pm chicken soup (broth); 20
orange pekoe tea & splenda; 0

5:30pm steamed carrots(40) with poppy seed dressing(35); 75.
spinach ravioli(100) with ricotta(55); 155
5:45pm purged, very little.

binged:
6:30pm crackers(200) with dill hummas(120); 320.
7:00pm purged, quite a bit.

total: 1075.
holy fuck.

what my day would've been like without the binge: 755.

11:20am (always unsweetened) applesause; 90.

4:00pm carrots, cucumber & dip; 100.
rice chips; 90.

6:00pm chocolate chip muffin; 350.

10:00pm oatmeal & applesause; 125.
10:30pm hot chocolate; 45.

today comes to 800, EXACTLY.

scarfed down a box of raisins in the booth at 11:25am; 35.
another on the subway at 5:30pm; 35.
poppy seed salad at 6:30pm; 50
made a egg white ricotta omlet, on toast with chives & cream cheese for dinner at 8:40pm ; 210.
washed it down with orange juice, water & ginger ale; 70.
which is all 400.
pretty ok right?

but then i binged.
crackers & cheese; 375.
yogurt; 35.
banana & peanut butter; 170.
adding 580.
BLAH.

so 980. which sucks, but isn't quite as large as i thought it was going to be.

sleeptight, page.

today?
CAKE.
but not really just any cake; the cake my daddy/step-mother sent me from utah, where things bake funny at a different altitude & must be made more caloric/thicker. + it was a double chocolate fudge cake recipe, but they added extra chocolategoodstuff just for page-ie.
the UPS man handed it to me & ran away.

so about 700 calories of that.
a muffin of death tim hortins chocolate chip muffin, 460.
purged 100 calories if i was lucky.
& some more cake. 400ish?
GOD I WISH I KNEW WHAT WAS IN IT.
peach tea
& i'll end up having some soup later, 20.
` 1480 TOO MUCH.

i'm gonna go knit my frustration away.
goodnight, & staystrong;
page.

-edit-
because i am such a fat-pig who can't keep it's gob shut, i ate;
poppy seed salad, 30.
pizza, 400.
TOTAL; 1910. fuck.
goodnight.