i've purged every day for the last week. (except sunday where i was at work for 12 hours & was sick so all the time i was home i was asleep.) i just need to stop. & this time for more  than three days. (though i have to admit that in some horribly sad tragic way i'm still proud of myself for that. but i guess it just goes to show how little confidence i have in myself that i'll ever get better.) so

i just need to stop.

orange juice; 30.
banana; 100.
chocolate roobus tea; 5 ?
chicken; 140.
chalet sauce; 10.
greek salad; 50.
bun (110) cream cheese (30) jam (5); 145.
chocolate pudding; 90.
popcorn; 80.
applesauce (60) ground flax seed (40); 100.
dill pickles; 15.
almond milk in tea in the evening; 15.

total: 780.
NO PURGING.

LET ME TAKE THIS MOMENT TO NOTE

THAT NOT PURGING FOR THREE DAYS

IS THE MOST I'VE GONE WITHOUT

FOR OVER A YEAR.

HOLY CRAP.

banana; 110.
cheetos; 150.
grapes; 5.
pickles; 5.
jello; 40.
green beans; 93.
dill pickle crackers; 210.
almond milk in tea throughout the day; 25.

total: 638.
NO PURGING.

sweet potato; 85.
fried apple (80) pecans (70); 150.
banana; 90.
popcorn; 90.
2 hoodia pills.
egg whites (54) ketchup (50); 104.
lettus (60) salad dressing (60); 120.
yogurt & blueberries; 50.
almond milk in tea throughout the day; 50.
dill pickle crackers; 250.

total: 989.
NO PURGING.

my friend wants me to go vegan with her. - thoughts?
i'm currently trying so very hard not to go binge/purge mother's birthday cake.

today:
8:00am feeling so cold - had almond milk in my chai tea: 3.

12:10pm friend made sugar cookies & gave me one. so i split it & took the (much) smaller half: 17?
gum: 5.

4:45pm mother wanted mcdonalds. i went in but all the food freaked me out, so i got nothing. ate 9 of her fries: 81.
5:20pm breaded fish: 298.
ketchup: 50.
salad with rasberry dressing: 60.

7:30pm roller skated for three hours, took a sip of friends icie: 30?

10:30pm strawberries: 68.
race cakes & jam; 76.
jello 20.

11:30pm chai & camomile teas with almond milk: 15.

total: 723.

wednesday:
more than 4000 calories.
all pasta, pizza, bread & cheese, in less than two hours. with no purging. painful.

thursday:
less than 900 calories.
stressed out a bit, but ok overall.

today(friday):
12:15pm starbucks coffee with nonfat milk: 45.
4:00pm timmies coffee with milk: 40.
5:20pm small side garden salad at restaurant: <200.
a few of other peoples sweet potato fries: <25
coffee with sweet 'n low & milk: 34.
later i'll have: tea with almond milk: 14.

total: <358.

7:50am popcorn cereal with almond milk; 50.

12:00pm starbucks coffee; 45.

3:30pm
3 tim hortons coffees; 110.



 7:30pm green beans with carrots & lime juice; 95.
chai tea.


cucumber & dip; 23.
more chai tea.

9:00pm strawberries; 40.
three mugs of chamomile tea.




all tea consumed at home included almond milk; 35.

for a total of: 398 calories.
& the best part,

i didn't purge.

yippie.

egg whites & ketchup; 72
applesauce & puffed wheat; 100
carrots; 20
dill pickle ricechips & sour cream; 85
strawberry yogurt; 25
mint chocolate candy; 20.
veggie burger & sauce; 280
grapefruit juice; 10
chocolate on ricecakes; 150
strawberries; 28
almond milk in tea; 25

total: 815.

NOT ONLY THE BEST DAY IN FOREVER,

BUT THERE WAS

NO PURGING.

on your period (stupidfuckinghell) & need chocolate?

no you don't, you need cocoa powder & pam.

(that magic shit makes everything stick, it's like the low cal glue for food.)

apply pam to ricecake & top vigorously with cocoa powder & splenda. yum.

(damn i wish i had a camera.)

you cold & need quick hot chocolate?

carnation makes a great light one. 45cal for 3 heaping tbsp. (so a big mug of it is about 70.)

for creamier use unsweetend chocolate almond milk (40cal per cup) & you can cut it with water.

or just make your own from hot water/almond milk & cocoa powder+splenda.

can we tell who's having chocolate cravings?

today(so far) hasn't been nearly as bad as i've been recently, but still nowhere near good.
ricecake this morning to accompany cough syurup; 50.
piece of some chocolate candy thing from a friend at lunch; 10?
binge/purge when i got home; 300? (assuming hopefully i got rid of over 1000.)
lots of chai tea this evening; (almond milk in it) 20.
chocolate ricecake; 54.

if i don't have a bad binge purge one day i'll post it.

i can't wait to be able to have that every day.

why isn't it today?

alone day one.

muffin; 100?
apple; 60.

BINGE
2nd half of a block of cream cheese & box of crackers. 
some hummus.
two large bowls of cereal with almost a L of 2% milk.
the last 2/3 of a box of oatmeal cookies with hot chocolate.
chocolate granola bar.
PURGE

soy milk; 20.
salad; 40.
vegetable soup; 70.
orange juice; 70.
cough drops; 130.

total without binge/purge:  490.
with approximately 300 counted as binge/purge: 790.

* the highest thing i ate today was all the cough drops. 
damn my cold.
 

rice cake & jam; 55.
apple strudle granola bar; 120.
muffin (i made); 100?
chicken souvlaki & ketchup; 130.
salad; 95.
soy milk (in tea); 20.
orange juice; 65.
cough drops; 75.
pineapple; 30.

total: 690

WITH NO PURGING.

1/3 cup water + 7 extra-strong melatonin tablets (35g),

both taken throughout the day in attempt to sleep off a bad binge

=

 31 hours without food or movement &

one day of bad sleep.

sleeping away the pounds?
not a recommend weight loss method.

12:00pm fruit & nut granola bar; 140.

4:00pm strawberries; 60.
blueberries; 60.
cashews: 340.
fat-free chocolate pudding cup; 90.
5:00pm hot-chocolate hazelnut coffee; 17.

6:30pm a few restaurant sweet potato fries; 120?

11:30pm sweet potato; 330.

total: 1157.
DIDN'T PURGE!

coffee; 12.
fruit & nut granola bar; 150.
salad: 75.
rice & mixed vegetables; 160.
mixed nuts in toffee; 400?
a small potato & sour cream; 120.
rice cakes & unsweetened applesauce: 135.
yogurt; 60.
total: 1092.

a total of just under 1200.
ate a bowl of ice cream
purged it.
goodnight, staystrong.
page.

5:00pm-12:00am
chicken breast 200?
ketchup 100.
salad 150.
mixed veggies & corn 110.
cereal 110.
sweet potato rice crispy 62.
jello 20.
coffee 40.
oatmeal & applesauce 200.
chamomile tea with milk 40.
cinnamon toast 100.
total 1132.

five or six bowls of cereal
a cup of peanut butter
multiple bagels with all the trimmings
& about fifty other things in obscene quantities.
couldn't purge.
i think it about killed me.
don't over eat girls,
you gain three pounds in a day.

food is freaking me out.
i purged a lot yesterday, then ate a cucumber, which for some reason i purged too. oh bother.

solution: don't eat anything solid.
new diet: instant coffee, coke/poweraid zero, & tea.

staystrong ladies!
page.

i had a successful fasting day yesterday, until i binged & purged.

then the same cycle when i tried again today.

i'm such a horrible failure & i'm so sorry to anyone who was fasting with me whom i've let down.

i will try again. i will do better. i will be beautiful.

staystrong, page.

ps, for anyone who was successful, congrads for being spectacular.
& anyone else who wasn't, practice makes perfection.