mushed banana(100) & cinnamon on 2 large rice cakes(80); 180.
2 pieces of gum; 6.
lettuce(15) dressing(3); 18.
tomato soup; 33.
cauliflower; 42.
nutritional yeast on soup & cauliflower; 40.
milk in tea; 28.
veggie chips; 175?

total: 522.
vegetables: 57. fruit: 100. other: 365

two days in one week were i didn't purge? i'm on a roll.

(ok, they weren't consecutive, & it's really not a good job, but it's an improvement.)

ok, i get this isn't like big-big or anything, or at least shouldn't be,

& is just more sad that i'm even a little happy about this, but -

i didn't purge today! even though i try every day, it's like one day a month now,

but this does feel like a little victory, 

& a little step closer towards skinny happiness. 

 two small rice cakes(50) with jam(7); 57.
popcorn(180) topped with pam(22), cinnimon, & splenda; 202.
grapes; 265.
lettus(20) & dressing(10); 30.
12 baby carrots; 45.
10 cherry tomatoes with salt & pepper; 40.
canned pumpkin(35) & applesauce(17); 52.
milk in tea; 35.

total: 726
fruits: 289. vegetables: 320 other: 117.

 

hot chocolate (almond milk 70, cocoa 45): 115
salad (cucumber 20, dressing 7, spinach 20): 47
chicken souvlaki: 140.
carrots: 30.
asparagus: 27
pudding: 60.

total: 419.

cansofravioli&potsofpastacoveredincheese&somanychips&bowlsofcereal&enoughfoodtolastapersondays

went in me in less than a couple hours.

it hurt so much & i couldn't purge,

i couldn't even stand up straight.

then my stomach stretched more & i couldn't sit up.

i ended up in a ball for the rest of the night,

wondering if i was going to split open any minute

& all my insides would come pouring out.

i've purged every day for the last week. (except sunday where i was at work for 12 hours & was sick so all the time i was home i was asleep.) i just need to stop. & this time for more  than three days. (though i have to admit that in some horribly sad tragic way i'm still proud of myself for that. but i guess it just goes to show how little confidence i have in myself that i'll ever get better.) so

i just need to stop.

orange juice; 30.
banana; 100.
chocolate roobus tea; 5 ?
chicken; 140.
chalet sauce; 10.
greek salad; 50.
bun (110) cream cheese (30) jam (5); 145.
chocolate pudding; 90.
popcorn; 80.
applesauce (60) ground flax seed (40); 100.
dill pickles; 15.
almond milk in tea in the evening; 15.

total: 780.
NO PURGING.

LET ME TAKE THIS MOMENT TO NOTE

THAT NOT PURGING FOR THREE DAYS

IS THE MOST I'VE GONE WITHOUT

FOR OVER A YEAR.

HOLY CRAP.

banana; 110.
cheetos; 150.
grapes; 5.
pickles; 5.
jello; 40.
green beans; 93.
dill pickle crackers; 210.
almond milk in tea throughout the day; 25.

total: 638.
NO PURGING.

sweet potato; 85.
fried apple (80) pecans (70); 150.
banana; 90.
popcorn; 90.
2 hoodia pills.
egg whites (54) ketchup (50); 104.
lettus (60) salad dressing (60); 120.
yogurt & blueberries; 50.
almond milk in tea throughout the day; 50.
dill pickle crackers; 250.

total: 989.
NO PURGING.

my friend wants me to go vegan with her. - thoughts?
i'm currently trying so very hard not to go binge/purge mother's birthday cake.

today:
8:00am feeling so cold - had almond milk in my chai tea: 3.

12:10pm friend made sugar cookies & gave me one. so i split it & took the (much) smaller half: 17?
gum: 5.

4:45pm mother wanted mcdonalds. i went in but all the food freaked me out, so i got nothing. ate 9 of her fries: 81.
5:20pm breaded fish: 298.
ketchup: 50.
salad with rasberry dressing: 60.

7:30pm roller skated for three hours, took a sip of friends icie: 30?

10:30pm strawberries: 68.
race cakes & jam; 76.
jello 20.

11:30pm chai & camomile teas with almond milk: 15.

total: 723.

wednesday:
more than 4000 calories.
all pasta, pizza, bread & cheese, in less than two hours. with no purging. painful.

thursday:
less than 900 calories.
stressed out a bit, but ok overall.

today(friday):
12:15pm starbucks coffee with nonfat milk: 45.
4:00pm timmies coffee with milk: 40.
5:20pm small side garden salad at restaurant: <200.
a few of other peoples sweet potato fries: <25
coffee with sweet 'n low & milk: 34.
later i'll have: tea with almond milk: 14.

total: <358.

7:50am popcorn cereal with almond milk; 50.

12:00pm starbucks coffee; 45.

3:30pm
3 tim hortons coffees; 110.



 7:30pm green beans with carrots & lime juice; 95.
chai tea.


cucumber & dip; 23.
more chai tea.

9:00pm strawberries; 40.
three mugs of chamomile tea.




all tea consumed at home included almond milk; 35.

for a total of: 398 calories.
& the best part,

i didn't purge.

yippie.

egg whites & ketchup; 72
applesauce & puffed wheat; 100
carrots; 20
dill pickle ricechips & sour cream; 85
strawberry yogurt; 25
mint chocolate candy; 20.
veggie burger & sauce; 280
grapefruit juice; 10
chocolate on ricecakes; 150
strawberries; 28
almond milk in tea; 25

total: 815.

NOT ONLY THE BEST DAY IN FOREVER,

BUT THERE WAS

NO PURGING.

on your period (stupidfuckinghell) & need chocolate?

no you don't, you need cocoa powder & pam.

(that magic shit makes everything stick, it's like the low cal glue for food.)

apply pam to ricecake & top vigorously with cocoa powder & splenda. yum.

(damn i wish i had a camera.)

you cold & need quick hot chocolate?

carnation makes a great light one. 45cal for 3 heaping tbsp. (so a big mug of it is about 70.)

for creamier use unsweetend chocolate almond milk (40cal per cup) & you can cut it with water.

or just make your own from hot water/almond milk & cocoa powder+splenda.

can we tell who's having chocolate cravings?

today(so far) hasn't been nearly as bad as i've been recently, but still nowhere near good.
ricecake this morning to accompany cough syurup; 50.
piece of some chocolate candy thing from a friend at lunch; 10?
binge/purge when i got home; 300? (assuming hopefully i got rid of over 1000.)
lots of chai tea this evening; (almond milk in it) 20.
chocolate ricecake; 54.

if i don't have a bad binge purge one day i'll post it.

i can't wait to be able to have that every day.

why isn't it today?

alone day one.

muffin; 100?
apple; 60.

BINGE
2nd half of a block of cream cheese & box of crackers. 
some hummus.
two large bowls of cereal with almost a L of 2% milk.
the last 2/3 of a box of oatmeal cookies with hot chocolate.
chocolate granola bar.
PURGE

soy milk; 20.
salad; 40.
vegetable soup; 70.
orange juice; 70.
cough drops; 130.

total without binge/purge:  490.
with approximately 300 counted as binge/purge: 790.

* the highest thing i ate today was all the cough drops. 
damn my cold.
 

rice cake & jam; 55.
apple strudle granola bar; 120.
muffin (i made); 100?
chicken souvlaki & ketchup; 130.
salad; 95.
soy milk (in tea); 20.
orange juice; 65.
cough drops; 75.
pineapple; 30.

total: 690

WITH NO PURGING.

1/3 cup water + 7 extra-strong melatonin tablets (35g),

both taken throughout the day in attempt to sleep off a bad binge

=

 31 hours without food or movement &

one day of bad sleep.

sleeping away the pounds?
not a recommend weight loss method.

12:00pm fruit & nut granola bar; 140.

4:00pm strawberries; 60.
blueberries; 60.
cashews: 340.
fat-free chocolate pudding cup; 90.
5:00pm hot-chocolate hazelnut coffee; 17.

6:30pm a few restaurant sweet potato fries; 120?

11:30pm sweet potato; 330.

total: 1157.
DIDN'T PURGE!

coffee; 12.
fruit & nut granola bar; 150.
salad: 75.
rice & mixed vegetables; 160.
mixed nuts in toffee; 400?
a small potato & sour cream; 120.
rice cakes & unsweetened applesauce: 135.
yogurt; 60.
total: 1092.

a total of just under 1200.
ate a bowl of ice cream
purged it.
goodnight, staystrong.
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