attempt on healthy;

 thursdays dinner

rice pilaf with steamed broccoli & chicken slovakia. 

fridays dinner

 lemon poppy-seed salad and veggies with leftover rice.

yum?

SO WHY CAN'T I STOP BINGING MY FUCKING ASS OFF.

i need to stop binging & purging.
i also need to stop gaining weight,
i'm becoming HUGE.
i'm working on a new diet plan, hope to post it soon!


staystrong lovelies,
page.

happy vegan day!
in honour of it, this is my new vegan month.
+ great thing about me being vegan, it that my binge/purge cycle always involves cereal & milk, & rarely involves veggies. so i don't see any purging in my near future!
downside: i've been craving eggs for awhile, guess i'll have to hold off on that for awhile.
upside: i had a great excuse for rejecting cookies & chocolate milk this morning.
i'll be posting recipes soon & when i get my phone figured out i'll start putting more pictures!


[vegan day one.]

10:30am sesame bread sticks; 30.

6:00pm pumpkin seeds; 50.

8:00pm veggie-wrap; 240.
apple with cinnamon; 80.
8:50pm tortilla chips with avocado; 199.
9:00pm rice cakes with applesause; 160.

11:00pm oatmeal with applesause; 150.

total: 909.
hey guess what? no purging. -smile-

extra: 2 decongestants, 2 advil+caffine, 1 multi-vitamin, 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin, 2 sleep-aids.

happy turkey day!

so this weekend involved:
a bithday party (cake&pizza), two family dinners (potatoes&turkey&salad), dessert (pie,pie,pie&icecream), meals that i don't have (breakfast&lunch).
& a tone more!
most of which was purged.
i'm really trying, but uhm  ...
let's just say the back of my right hand is covered with scratches that won't heal.
so apparently i can't stop. i have no self control.
but i'm trying.

today i will not purge.  today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. today i will not purge. 

10:30am egg whites with pepper & ketchup; 106.
strawberries; 30.

6:30pm cucumber with light ceasar dressing; 25.

10:30pm pickles; 8.
green beans; 45.
11:00pm stale mixed nuts; 120.

throughout the evening-morning:
hot chocolate hazelnut coffee with unsweetened chocolate almond milk; 40.

total: 374.
amazing what anger can do for the appetite.

sleep? not tonight if i can help it. just gotta say, last two posts were on no-sleep. i'm seeing a pattern. unfortunately it seems i only don't B/P on nights where i'm up.

not being able to take pictures of my food is really driving me mad;
so here's some thinspo instead.

so uhm - first things first.
i didn't sleep.
i was writing this politics paper .. & time kinda got away from me?
my alarm clock went off & i was still up on the computer writing .. so i've been up for ..
38.5 hours - WIDE AWAKE.
i'm still working on that politics paper, so when i get to around 41 consecutive hours awake i'll hopefully be in bed.
got to say, when i stay wide awake for over day, you get this rush, like fasting. though some people tend to have the negative side effect of binging, i think i'm stronger like this. mind you, i so cannot concentrate on anything for more than thirty seconds.
ANYWAYS - ON TO THE FOOD.

7:50am hot chocolate hazelnut coffee; 25.

11:50am broccoli & carrots; 35.

3:45pm hot chocolate; 40.
blueberries; 17.

5:50pm spinach salad; 50.
mashed potatoes & mixed veggies; 250.

7:00pm rice cakes & applesauce; 260.
hot chocolate hazelnut coffee; 25.

8:30pm light cranberry-pomegranate juice; 7.

snacks; 120.

total: 829.
& FULL.

10:00am white toast with margarine & jam; 215.

11:00am apple; 50.
11:20am honeycomb cereal with milk;160.

12:30pm peas with light ricotta & garlic; 130.

3:30-9:00pm hot chocolate & chai tea; 220.

7:30pm veggie burger with light mayonnaise & ketchup; 290.
spinach salad; 50.
8:00pm garlic bread; 120.

11:00pm pb&j wrap w/honey; 250.
so fucking hard not to purge that.
i wish so much that i never ate it.

total: 1435.
uhg.
as gross as that is, it's a quarter of what i was eating before,
even if i wasn't keeping any of that in,
my stomach is still way stretched out.
i feel sick all the time.

woke up 2:00pm.

2:20pm white toast with margarine & jam; 215.
first time i've had bread without purging in forever, let alone white bread.
2:40pm steamed broccoli; 30.

3:30pm hot chocolate & coffee; 135.

7:20pm thin-crust spinach pizza; 315.
7:50pm unsweetened applesauce with cinnamon & flax; 120.

total: 815.

extra: 6 benadrly day cold, 2 cold-assist, 1 multi-vitamin, 1 anti-stress B+C vitamin.

down there? the post yesterday, the happy one?
FUCKING LIES.

i binged my ass off that night.

sandwiches, bowls of cereal, chips, food food food food food.

purged.

oh yeah, & i did that again today.
way-to-go page.

staystrong ladies.

FUCK YEAH - NO PURGING.
i still feel like maybe i should've.

12:00 light cranberry juice; 40.

2:00pm rice cake with light rasberry cream cheese; 50.
2:30pm oatmeal with applesause; 170.
2:40pm cinnamon-splenda toast; 140.

4:00pm strawberries; 20.

6:30pm ceasar salad; 23.
fish, french fries & ketchup; 420.
7:00pm rice cakes with light rasberry cream cheese & cinnamon; 135.

total: 998.

i guess that's still a lot, but compared to the 4000-5000's of calories i've been eating a day lately, i might actually have a chance at saving some money. ;)
being mia is expensive.

for the first time in FOREVER i
DIDN'T BINGE,
DIDN'T PURGE!
& i didn't eat until i had to at dinner too;
not too shabby eh.

i will start posting on here again;

but with my being away from my safe-haven of nutrition lables & all the purging,

it really is quite impossible.

still awake.

BINGE:
5:20am toast with jam & butter; 145.
blueberry muffin; 220.
special K with chocolate sauce & milk; 290.
peanut butter; 450.
PURGED.

sleep from 10:30am-2:20pm.
weight at 3:00pm; 102ish lbs.

3:10pm box of raisins; 30.

BINGE:
4:00pm oatmeal with apple; 180.
oatmeal with chocolate chips & milk; 575.
PURGED.

5:00pm toast with light strawberry cream cheese; 210.
chicken broth; 15.

6:30pm mini cucumbers & dip; 170.

1.5h walk. 20min buns&thighs workout. 20min abs workout.

BINGE:
9:20pm pb&j sandwiches; 980.
chocolate milk; 520.
peanut butter; 450.
PURGED.

102lbs when i woke up .. at 4:30pm.
goodjob with the sleeping pills page.

5:00pm mixed veggies; 140.
fish & ketchup; 220.

6:00pm three muffins & butter; 760.
PURGED.

9:00pm carrots, cucumber & dip; 120.

shaky - had to eat something.
1:00am soy milk & chocolate sauce; 65.
peas & corn; 130.


extra: 1 reactin. & a bunch of other vitamins.

was 105 lbs last night, 102.5 this morning.

4:10pm salad with light poppy seed dressing; 70.
mixed veggies; 120.
fish & ketchup; 400.
sweet potato fries & plum sauce; 280.

6:00pm light hot chocolate: 40.

8:50pm yogurt & raspberry sauce; 85.

total: 995.
with no purging!
extra: 1 paxil. 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 2 multi-vitamins. 1 sudafed. 2 cold-assist.

11:30pm a lot of chocolate milk & a couple pb&j sandwiches.
PURGED.

time to sleep: 2 benedryl. 2 sleep-aids. 1 sudafed.
goodnight.

12:40pm three bowls of cereal & milk; 510.
peanut butter & jelly sandwich; 480.
light hot chocolate; 40.
PURGE.

6:00pm oatmeal; 130.
an apple; 80.

9:00pm carrots & light ceasar dressing; 105.

extra: a bunch of pills to be good & to go to sleep.
goodnight.

PURGED & PURGED & PURGED & PURGRD & PURGED.

it hurts.
my ears won't pop; haven't for months.
i'm never fufilled.
i want out of mia.

fasting tomorrow.
wish me luck?

11:30am white rice & light catalina dressing; 225.
light hot choclate with hazelnut coffee; 30.

7:20pm sugar-free rasberry jello; 24.
7:40pm perogies & peas with cheeses; 275.
cesar salad; 45.
8:10pm crispy minis sour cream & onion rice chips; 110.
special K with chocolate milk; 115
light hot chocolate; 45
Purged a bit.

9:20pm applesause with flax seed & cinnamon; 360.
Purged a bit.


extra: 1 B+C anti-stress vitamin. 2 multi-vitamins. 3 cold-assist. 4 sudafed. 2 tetracycline.

so then i ate a bounty bar,
& hot chocolate.
a half a jumbo box of special K drenched in chocolate syrup & 2% milk.
PURGEPURGEPURGEPURGEPURGE.

therefore i take a long bath & decide i deserve nothing but water if that for the next thirty-six hours.

only when i get out i eat
two pb&j sandwiches heavy on the peanut butter,
along-side two mugs of hot chocolate so i can
PURGEPURGEPURGE.

so i'm a failure.

so i ended my fast early,
horrible stomach ache & had to eat something.
makes sense i guess when this & a few advil+caffeine was my breakfast.
(stupid red pill demands to be taken with food, hence the two crackers. apparently that's not enough.)



after my dinner, i gave into a huge BINGE - PURGE & it all went to hell.
so my apologies, empty is strong, but i'm not.

i would try for the second half of this fast, but i might be spending the day with lucy tomorrow.
ok, no food until then, zero calorie drinks only, more exercise & no snacking tomorrow!

night.

ate at
11:30pm (yesterday) - 12:30am (today)
ginger cookies & soy milk; 298.
carrots & dip; 60.

fast with athanasy.
her's is 48h, i'm trying for 24h, possibly 36h.
i'm eating tea, water, coke zero & gum.
starting at 1:00am.

staystrong,
page.

< ok, so i broke that rule on the first day ..
* edited.

11:30am french toast; 158.
blueberries; 70.

1:30pm smartfood popcorn; 435.
tried to PURGE a bit ..

4:30pm a bit of some awful casserole; 150.
tuna & peas; 142.
fish sticks & ketchup; 200.
5:00pm ice cream sunday; 530.
PURGED.

BINGE.
7:oopm margarine soaked blueberry bagels; 550.
PURGE.

extra: 1 B+C anti-stress. 1 vitamin E. 1 reactin. 1 cold-assist.


< size="2">" i can't eat that. "
" why not? "
" .. the yams are touching the cheese & it's got thyme in it. "
" thyme is like sage. "
" i don't like sage. thing's are still touching .. "
" it'll taste like stuffing! "
" i hate stuffing. "
" oh .. right. "